Wednesday, December 26, 2001 08:33 p.m.

ok so, haven't been here in a while. And no, I'm not gonna talk about my past. Too much in my head about the present to even think about the past. On the talker I frequent on my desc, it says that I need a break from stress. And yes, I do. I think I am on stress overload at present time. Right at this very minute I am sitting here typing this trying to figure out where I can spend the night because I don't want to be here at home right now. My husband of 9 months just told me not to touch him, that he is tired of being on trinity alert. After 9 months. I know that sounds bad, and it does, that's what I can't figure out. We have had a beautiful, close relationship. We always talk about things, love-doing things together. Love to laugh love to debate politics. He just gave me the most amazing Christmas presents. We've been together now for almost 5 years and tonight he tells me not to touch him. Now the even more confusing part of all this is, I wasn't trying to get love or attention from him at that moment, I wasn't trying to get sexual, we were watching TV and my leg was against his, he pulls away, I say jokingly, what? do you not like my touch now, and that was it. He just blows. Tells me not to touch him that he is tired of having to love me and cuddle me, and doesn't want to touch me. The he doesn't understand why I burst into tears. That makes him even more mad. Oh the joys of relationships Hmmm what else. Wow, where to start. I just found out last week that my sister. My favorite sister, the sister I love dearly, has MS Not too much to say to that. I mean what can one say. It is getting bad, and I cant be there for her. On a selfish fucking note. Two of my best online friends who I want to meet so bad have met each other. What do I feel about that? Jealous Simple as that. I am jealous that R met and touched and talked to J and saw his eyes and saw his smile as he told of his amazing new experience that was happening. I am jealous that they met and experienced something that all three of us were supposed to be there to witness and explore. They both tell me to come out, but I cant. There is just no way. I am so happy for J that its hard to explain mixed with the jealousy. I mean here is someone who went for it. I mean just went for it. Left everything he knew that was safe and jumped head first into something he really didn't know what was going to happen. I mean how cool is that? I am still worried for Him, but that ok. He knows I love him and I know he is going to have the most amazing time of His life and he deserves it. As far as here at home on the Island, I am being a bitch at work. But that's ok I guess I am the boss and I am supposed to be a bitch right? I had to shake my head at one point, I was being a Bitch, found something wrong someone did, and no one would fess up. They just kept saying. It wasn't me… I just looked at them oth and said, I don't give a shit who did it, I want it cleaned up and walked away. As I turned around there was MY boss, the big boss, standing there smiling. Ok I am rambling. But I have to admit it was nice getting it out. As a friend of mine would say, I think I just puked all over you. So hey if your reading this and got to the end. Thanks for letting me puke on you But I do have to end this saying one last thing. I love my husband. I miss my friend J who is 2500 miles farther away from me. I miss R who I have never met but I still love also I hurt (bad) for my sister And I am sure I'll still be a bitch tomorrow at work. Ok now go clean up oh and hey , i hope at least you were holding my hair back for me.

Thursday, August 16, 2001 09:20 p.m.

Hmmm Married life is pretty good I have to say. I can truly say that I have never felt more secure or loved in my life. You want to know the really weird part about this though. I have to use a night light to sleep with now though. And it's just gotten worse. I have to have it every night now and if I don't have it .. I wake up in the middle of the night and don't know where I am or how to get to a light switch or the bathroom. Now I know this sounds funny and all but try to picture it and put your self in my place. You wake up in the middle of the night…. You don't know where you are. So you figure to your self ( yes I really think all this ) ok I know there is a light switch somewhere … ALL walls have a light switch, just follow the wall till you find it. Then minutes later, which to me feels like an hour, I am not kidding, I just stop in the middle of the room, scared, because I cant find a light and I cant find the bathroom and I am afraid I will pee right there in the middle of the room. So I start crying because its all so bad and at three in the morning its even worse. Ok I know this sounds funny but its really not. Why in the hell when I am at the safest place I have been in my life , and I feel the most loved and protected in my life do I wake up in the middle of the night crying in the middle of the room???? My honey is really good about it though, he has good night vision I guess because when I am right at the point of crying I call out to him now, or he just wakes up and sees me because I hear him say "Left babe go left". And I find the bathroom. Weird shit huh? For Christmas he even bought me my night light, and I haven't got lost in the night since.

I did get the promotion at work. Wanna know what I think the bitch about being the boss is? I get in trouble for all the fuck ups everyone else does. It used to be I just had to be careful and do my own job, now I have to be sure everyone else is doing there's and when they don't I have to stay late to do it. Wonderful.

I'm not sure I'm getting paid enough for this.

I just got back from visiting my family in California My niece got married. There is nothing like the niece you remember as being 10 getting married to make one feel old.

so back to work, they told me today I had to fire one of my crew. The BIG bosses told me that. The owners of the company. See the thing is I like this girl, she is young and this is her first job but they don't want to wait for her to get better and as a boss I should be able to fire her easily…. Right. I guess I suck as a boss because I intent to spend my own time retraining her so I don't have to fire her . I think she has potential. But that's just my opinion.

on a more personal note…. I found the BDSM community here on the Islands, … wow its what I have been searching for …. Right? But now that I have found them I am afraid of meeting any of them. I don't want to fool around on my honey. Not at all, but there is a part of me.. that needs to…. Well submit. It is a part of me that will never go away. So lets just say that I am torn. VERY VERY torn. Ok I've babbled enough for one day. Aloha and mahalo for listening

Thursday, June 21, 2001 10:50 a.m.

Hmm, ok well I'm back. Yep it's been awhile. Do you know I had to send for my password to get in here it's been so long?

A lot has happened since I was here last. I am married now. We went to New Orleans for our honeymoon and had soooo much fun. Took a ride on the steamboat, walked the streets listening to the music, watching the people. Drove down the river road and took the tours of the old plantation houses. And went to the swamp, took a tour with a man called the Cajun man, who has a dog named Gatorbait. We were there for 11 days. I was glad to come home , but I really want to go back someday.

I've been working a lot. Last week I worked 78 hours between all three jobs. But I have good news on that front. I started a new job 2 months ago. Working for an ATV place. You know, all terrain vehicles. It is so much fun. But they offered me a full time with benefits office managers job! So that means that I can quit my night job… which I did, my last night is tomorrow! I might actually be home at nights from now on. And some weekends! I wont know what to do with myself.

I miss Joe. A lot. I haven't talked to him in weeks, if not a month. I really miss just talking to him. Same thing with Master, I haven't talked to Him in a month either. I have just been so busy I am never online anymore. Well, Hopefully that will change soon. I start officially on July first in my new position. Wish me luck!

Thursday, February 15, 2001 01:21 a.m.

I found out today that my stepfather had a major heart attack the other day. It's worse than they first thought, he needs to go into surgery on Friday and have something like 4 arteries opened up.

ok here's where things get sticky.

this would be the same said stepfather who beat the living hell out of me when I was a kid. Now don't get me wrong I am in no way hoping the man dies, nope, not at all, this is the same stepfather who was coming 3000 miles to my wedding when my father wouldn't because he (my father) decided he needed a third car, a big truck, and no he is not a rancher, or mover or … in other words he didn't need the damn truck… but …. I digress.

Yes my stepfather, who I never really liked, for obvious reasons, was coming, and going, out of his way, to my wedding when my supposed father wouldn't. . So I can't bitch too much that the man hates me, I just cant forget the feel of his hand or the belt. Anyway, back to my point. The man just had a heart attack, and my mom is hurting and THAT I hate. And you have to remember that my wedding is in three weeks, and now they might not be able to come. Any of them. My family I mean.

ok so you may understand that my stress level is pretty much at it's breaking point at this point.

Ok so I don't really want to talk about that anymore. I suppose I should get back to the story, and I will, it just seems kind of … wrong to focus on that, when all this other stuff is going on.

I just reread all of this, and the basic writing skill is at my all time lowest, but at this point, I really don't want to take the time to fix it. This is where my head is at right now and this is how I am right now. Scary isn't it?

Tuesday, February 13, 2001 12:23 a.m.

I think i have the greatest coolie. Do you know what that is? You know, you put your beer bottle in it and it keeps it cold. Well mine has the greatest saying of all time on it. And that is

Stop talking, I'm out of aspirin".

Now if you were wondering, that is sooo me.

My Ex ....hmmm cant really call Him an ex boyfriend, because we never really dated, we just fucked. Ok so my ex lover came in to my place of work today, didn't want to buy anything, just looking he said.

ok what the fuck was that?

a mind fuck for me??? That's what I think

Then he looks at me and says, so, are you married yet, I just smiled and said nope, but I will be in 3 weeks.

You know, I have to admit, he was definitely in the top two of my greatest lovers of all time. When we were together things tended to get broke. Like hmmmmm Lamps, bed frames, towel holders, you know whatever happened to be in the way. It was one of those relationships you think back on and think to your self my god he was an ass but …. Wow! And people, he has a body of a god… I am not kidding you. He has the body that is in my dreams, and his eyes…. Ok, yes I am in love with C and yes, I am owned by R, but wow, I can still remember the past, and I think it was very ungentlemanly like for E to come in to work today. :: fanning herself::

anyway

WOW!

ok what were we talking about?

Friday, February 9, 2001 09:34 a.m.

I know... i haven't been here in a while. Believe it or not it is very much work related.

i am one month and two days away until the wedding and am becoming overwhelmed. I have to work as much as possible to pay for this shindig, and the Honeymoon, which is in New Orleans::yeah:: plus some strange stuff has been going on in this little head of mine the closer the day gets.

I alternate between depression, which makes no sense at all since i am truly the happiest and most content i have ever been in my life to overwhelming tears of joy. I don't know you figure it out.

so needless to say i have not been here to write any more on my story. But i will. i have been thinking allot about it today, which means its time to start writing again.

Saturday, January 27, 2001 05:58 p.m.

The streets.

Is that where i left off, yep looks like it.

. The last I wrote I was telling you about getting serious about running away. I mean its one thing to be 7 or 10 or even 12 for that matter and really have no where to go, and no one to help you get there, so you end up going back home, or the neighborhood cops find you or whatever. But when I was 15 I met J. I as 15 year olds are likely to do, thought I had found the man (he was all of 18) that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. He was also the one who helped me make my "big" escape.

One night when all were asleep I slipped from the house and met him in an old field with little valleys and hills that could hide the car and us. And so started a life of me trying to find places to sleep. Cars, abandoned buildings, Boats parked in people's yards that had a covering over them. You get real good at learning to wake up (its not as if you sleep very soundly anyway) with first light or before and getting out before you are seen.

I remember being scared all the time to go outside when it was light. I didn't want anyone I knew or who might know me to see me. So I found places to hang out.

Now J did what he could to help out. He would find friends he knew who would let me crash, but few people really wanted a 15-year-old runaway in their home. In the beginning I found it strange that it was always the guys, the men of the households who were the most helpful. But I soon learned the hard way why.

As soon as J would leave me there secure in the knowledge that he had found me a safe place to sleep, they would eventually come to me and the truth would come out. "Look Bitch, I'll put you up for the night, maybe even two or more, you know it's raining outside and really cold, you could be sleeping on the ground somewhere or in a dark alley (which was very true) but no I'm being a nice guy putting my ass on the line for you. If I were to get caught harboring you, I could go to jail. So what do ya say, I give you a roof over your head and I get a little something in return".

ok let me stop for just one second to give you one little important piece of information. When I was 15 I looked 12. So I learned real quickly that there are plenty men out there who like the really young ones. . And ohhhh how I learned to hate men. All men. For years I never trusted any of them, and to this day, I trust VERY few.

so that's how I lived for 3 years, basically being the whore for a roof over my head, and something to eat.

when I was 16 and still looked about 13 or so I was told, a man approached me. Now this man made me an offer that sounded almost good. He told me that there were plenty of men that would pay big, very big to sleep with a very young girl and we were missing out on an opportunity to make a lot of money. That I would be doing what I had been doing for free and making money doing it. And the big thing for me??? He would give me my own bodyguard (no more beatings or slaps from guys who knew they could get away with it), and this was the big one that got me seriously thinking about it. He was going to give me my own apartment. My very own apartment! He even took me to see it. Do you know what it was like to have someone say, yes this apartment, this roof and heater and bed with sheets and pillows are yours, all yours. And all I had to do was basically what i did everyday to survive anyway. It was an offer that was almost too good to pass up.

But I did, and you want to know why. Because if it would have been just a normal gig, if you know what I mean, I wouldn't of had a problem, but this man was going to cater to the pedophiles. The ones that wanted LITTLE girls. I was sickened and I couldn't do it, no matter how bad I wanted that apartment. I could not do it. So I told him thanks, but no. And I tried to go on with my life.

And it was three nights later that they came to the place I was staying that night and tried to take me by force.

hmm I better stop now for a while.

sorry but I can only do this is short bursts.

Saturday, January 27, 2001 12:37 a.m.

Yep it's official! I am going nuts. A friend asked me today…. So… your just a little stressed right now aren't you. I was like…uhmmm yeah.. just a tad. I didn't have the balls to tell her she was my biggest source of stress but hey, that's beside the point isn't it? By March I imagine I will be…. Ballistic.

yeah .. That's a good word for what is likely to happen in the next 6 weeks. Trin will go ballistic.

ok, so I figure it's time for part tow to trins story.

will anyone read this. Who cares. Its for me … writing it is for me. And if I can connect with just one person who may have gone through ANY of what I did… then it was worth reliving it all.

So here goes … part II

The first time I ran away from home I think i was 7. I remember thinking if they could take me from my mom, and say it was not a good home for me, then why couldn't I decide that the home I was in was not good enough or right for me and pick my own home. So that's what I did, I got my bike, and rode around my town which is pretty damn big, they tell me later I was half way across town, and picked the house that would most like to live in. I parked my bike on the lawn, and the story goes that I was so tired from riding so far that I collapsed on the doorstep of these poor peoples house. What really happened is, I thought if I looked pathetic and lost and alone enough … you know… like a poor lost puppy dog, that this nice suburban family would just keep me.

See, I was a pet even way back then J

needles to say it didn't work and I was back home by nightfall. ::sighs::

I ran several times after that, mostly because I didn't much like the idea of another beating, but always ended up back home. I remember once I was so bruised and welted that I couldn't put my baseball hat on my head because my ear was swollen from the hits, I had welts and cuts and bruises up and down my back and the backs of my legs, my ears was swollen and and bleeding, and I sooo wanted to take my baseball manager… a really nice lady… into the girls room and show her .. show her why I couldn't sit down or lean against anything, or put my hat on. But I remember thinking that if I told, they would just send me back home and it would be worse later . So I kept quiet and I cried, and when they asked how I was so bruised, I told them I had fallen on the kitchen floor, that it was my fault, I fell all the time. I was such a klutz.

I really started to get serious about running away when I fell in love with J. Now J was my first true Love. He is the one I lost my virginity to, and the one I eventually married two weeks after my 18th Birthday. And he was the one who started me thinking about REALLY leaving. So at 15 that's what I did. I left home and learned the streets.

OK then! That's about all I can handle for one night. I have no idea when I will be in the mood to do this again, but I imagine it will be soon. so I can go one with the story. Because this is where it starts to get really…. Yeah… well you know.

Friday, January 19, 2001 11:39 p.m.

I wrote this about three days ago, then chickened out and didnt post it. Then.... after talking to Joe, who convinced me to put it up. Here it is. Part 1 in Trinitys story.

I have a day off today! Can you believe it? I can't. That's why I haven't added to my Pita lately. Just cant find the time to turn on the computer.

Soooo I told myself that I would start to write here so here goes I guess. The first installment. Now, if I wander or jump around please forgive me I am definitely not a professional writer.

I guess the big thing for me to start off with is that I am adopted. The story goes, that back in the free-love era of 1964 my Mother had an affair with a married man, when he wouldn't leave his wife for her, she took drastic measures and Voila' here I be. Then when that didn't work, she didn't want me anymore, had no idea how to care for a child so the state put me up for adoption.

this is the cool part of the story, I come with papers ::grins:: when my mother (adoptive) adopted me, they asked her if she wanted my paper work that came with me , you see I was born with a tribal registry number. Seems I have quite a bit of Indian in me. And because I have so much Indian in me, with those papers it shows that I am able to get grants for college, or land loans or whatever. Mom said nope, to throw them papers away, or just lock them up with my birth records, because I was her daughter now, and I was not Indian, I was "white" now. ::shakes her head::

I have no idea where to go from this point. you know it just occurred to me, that I truly hope neither my mother, or sisters ever feel the need to read a person named trinity kneels page. ::laughs:: they would recognize this right away. Not that I am afraid or anything, but I have worked hard many a year of learning how to…. Keep quiet about what I feel, so I will fit in with them. . Not to mention the fact that I have no desire to hurt mom at all. I do love her. And whatever her reason were for everything that happened, she still took me in when the doctors said I wouldn't live past my first birthday, they told her to choose another child to adopt but she said no, and took me in and nursed me back to health. I have come along way to forget the past and should just let sleeping dogs lie, and as I write this I have to wonder if I really need to go on.

I guess if nothing else I should just stop here and wait to see if there are any repercussions from this.

Friday, January 19, 2001 11:21 p.m.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY.

Should we learn from the hard lessons we have learned in life, or do the hard lessons we've learned keep us from living?

ok, talk amongst yourselves

Thursday, January 18, 2001 09:51 a.m.

Ok I have a day off today, and I just spent the last hour of it writing the first part of my story for here. And what do I do. Right before I post it. I trashed it. Couldn't go through with it. I'm sorry joe. i'm such a wimp

Tuesday, January 16, 2001 10:45 p.m.

Ok, i dare ya!

I Double dare ya.

Find a friend, any friend, who likes the Blues. No, loves the Blues. And even if you don't think so, I guarantee you; you have one or two who do love the Blues.

Now, Close your eyes. And just listen. Don't just listen "FEEL" it. The reason I am on this particular run tonight is because two nights ago, the last time a had anytime off, from 7am till midnight, I went to a blues concert. Man, I love this shit. There is nothing like it at all. Nothing even close. And next month Johnny Lang is coming, I can't wait.

Topic switch, (grins)

So I have made a decision, I think as per what Joe as suggested, that this is the perfect forum for me to tell my story. If no one reads it great, then the story is still with me, and I don't have to worry if anyone is looking down on me. If people do read it, well then I wont think about it. And maybe, just maybe, someone will be able to relate. I guess I'll give it a try and start in the next Pita entry.

Topic switch

Have any of you watched La Femme Nikita, God I love that show, I really do. It is down to it's last 6 shows…. ever. Sighs

Saturday, January 13, 2001 05:20 p.m.

YEAH!!! i don't have to work tonight. I was on-call. Now tell me how much of a mind-fuck that is. You wait all day wondering how many people are calling the restaurant, and then at 4:30 and oh yes you are watching the clock for exactly 4:30, you call in to see if you have to come into work. If it is more than 40 reservations you go in, if less, you stay home. Needless to say here I am. Home. Not making money, but that's ok, its an extra day off.

And I have tomorrow off, and am going to a Blues concert tomorrow night.

YEAH

Now the thing that is so amazing about this is that I live on this REALLY small island and we never get blues concerts. EVER. I am pretty damn happy right now.

I was supposed to meet Master in our chat room today and He never made it. but on the good side, how's this for a trip, Chris beat my little ass red last night. My sweet Vanilla love Chris. life just gets better and better doesn't it?

knock on wood

I have no idea what to talk about, can you tell. So I asked Joe, He said I should start talking about my past. He has been trying to get me to write my story for years now, and i always start, then you know, I never finish. So who knows maybe I finally will. This thing seems to be pretty damn therapeutic.

Thursday, January 11, 2001 11:49 p.m.

So it's, what? Ten to midnight and here I sit. It's my favorite time of the night really. Chris is in bed, I just got off work and I can think of the day with no interruptions.

First and foremost, I think I am in .. well Lust with a woman I work with. . Now I have not had major sexual attraction to another woman in years, not since my little yearlong experiment when I lived with a woman by the name of Kato if you can believe that.

anyway back to the point. Every time she works with me, Anne, not Kato I see her long Red hair when she pulls it down at the end of the night,and wow, she definitely has what you would call a full woman's figure. HUGE tits, and the rest of her is all woman. OK so as you can see, I have a case of the hots.

wow

What else happened today? Hmmm Joe helped me with my Pita page, ok he didn't help, he did it. I am so inept at this sort of shit, I know it, He knows it, we all know it so why even try to lie about it. Isn't it beautiful?? I talked to Master today That was a good thing. He went home for the holidays, so I was not able to talk to Him in almost 3 weeks. I almost went nuts in that amount of time without Him. He asked me about my wedding plans to Chris which BTW happen in ohhh 8 weeks. I found it a bit strange to talk to my VL Master, about my RL wedding, couldn't quiet figure out who I was cheating on. That is a constant source of my mind fucks these days. And the funny thing is, some people I know, and the few I relate this whole story to, tell me I must be sick and stupid to think I can love in RL and VL and them not come together. But they don't and yes I do. Master gives me what I need that Chris never could, nor do I want him to, even if he tried. Chris is sweet loving, sweet, giving, sweet and spoils me rotten. And I so love him for it. Master is… well Master. And I do not ever want Chris to give me or even try to give me what Master does. So I live a double life. And for now, I am happy. I have two wonderful Men in my life, that I love dearly, who, combined give me everything I could ever hope for, or dream of. What more could a girl ask for.

Thursday, January 11, 2001 10:29 a.m.

Ok I'm here. I'm not totally sure what I'm doing here, but because of the support of a good friend, here I be.

What to say, what to say.

Who am I? Well my name is trinity, nice to meet you. Most of you reading this already know me, and I call friend, a few of you know me, and I would love to call friend, still there are others I have never met, and will probably never call friend.

I have very few friends in this world, and I do not say that out of self-pity in anyway mind you, it is just that it takes a level of trust and time for me to be friends. What generally happens when I meet new people is that I find a …. Well for lack of a better word a fakeness about them that I cant stand. And more often than not as my best friend in this world puts it I am just a bit too frank for most and I tend to drive them away.

All the better, it keeps things simple and I know who my true friends are. The only thing that truly amazes me is that not EVERYONE simply loves me.

Laughing

I'm always asking Joe my absolute best and most trusted friend who brought me here, why a certain friend of His hates me so much. Or simply could care less since we've known each other for a long time too. Ahhh the wonders of life.

ok so I just noticed I am babbling and am making very little sense.

And just to clear things up, no my name is not trinity from the movie all though that was a cool movie, and it is not from the Catholic religion of the Holy trinity. And yes it is not a typo trinity is spelled with a small t for a reason. Guess I'll have to get into that another day.